Losing my grandfather was the first grief in my life and the first real exam.
I had a dream about him at the same day he passed away. It was a sunny room, and he was smiling at me while I was crying to his death. I hugged him, and he said to me not to be sorry that much, and recommended me to read some more, in my dream. When I woke up from that dream, nothing ever be the same for me anymore.
At first, I started to think about the death in every aspects for months or almost a year. I experienced the pain, knew that the death is something real, and me, and everybody around me will be death, or soon be death. Overthinking about the death became my most favorite thing in the world. I was careless, confident, social as hell before then, and now I was definitely want to be alone and did not want to have any kind of human interaction at all. Even walking on a crowded street was so hard for me.I was going into the deep.
There was only a few people around me during that time frame, cared me, talked with me, or tried to do something for me. The one was my boyfriend back then and now he is my husband, and I cannot pass that hard times without him, he took me from the bottom to the top. And some of my really special friends, now I can jump out of the balcony for them.
And the others who were not there for me, I silently removed them from my life, and surprisingly it was quite so easy to do so. I was so angry and furious to them, and removing them from my life was the easiest thing to do. I was definitely following the motto of “Do not stay with the people who was not there for you”, but when I think about that times right now, I was a bit cruel. Because the people cannot always understand your pain, because they do not feel what you feel, they do not see what you see. They basically do not have the same experience, so they cannot give you what you expect from them.
My grandparent came to this world, and passed away while teaching me so many stuff, and that years were quite a lesson to me. I am definitely reading a lot, and I am strong and happy as I have never been before. But I became a loner as I said, now I know that I healed and ready to become social again. Social life, here I come.