I used to have an overthinking habit. I was thinking about everything… the glass of water, the shape of my nails, my chuffy legs, but mostly about the unloved conversations with other people, judging people around me, or the people who gave me nothing but consumed my energy.
At a point, I started to not sleep because of the overthinking. I was trying to change the things that I did not like, but I was waking up really sad and feeling really bad even it was a brand new day with good opportunities.
Then one day, I found myself in a room, not crying, not yelling, just looking at to the wall for more than 3 hours with full of empty eyes with no feelings. I thought that I had really good friends at that time, but no one really called me that day, even they knew I was having really hard times.
It was a really hard day, I was at the bottom, then I found a little power inside of me. I washed my face and looked at my pale skin. Honestly, I had no feelings for myself, and that was a really sad moment. I really wanted to have a feeling, even it was anger I was okay with that. So I take some paper on my hand and started to write with a pen. I started to write and write and write…until I found out the problems that
I was a kid, and I felt that I started to grow up because I started to take control of my life. I started very little, by changing the small things that I can change. Changed my room first, then changed my sports routing, changed my look and started to change the people around me. I tried to talk to my friends. Some of them really understood me, they told me what they saw from outside, they wanted to keep me up, they found me a reason to be alive. Some of them did not understand what was really happening, so I realized that I did not want to be a part of it, I moved with my road and they moved with theirs. That was something really hard to do but really helped me with my developmen and mental health. I did something for myself, and I am really proud it, I did it just for myself but no one else, and all of those started with some paper and the pen. When I felt down, insecure, or started to overthinking at the middle of the night, I wrote how I fell, what made me feel that way, why I felt that way, and that kept me alive and made me braver and open to myself.
Now here I am trying to change my life again, and back with my paper and pen. This time it will be more than writing for myself because I will be writing to you.
I hope you will like it and this time will be as good as the last time.
The image: https://annamachtart.tumblr.com/post/181979780008/healing